The Sensitive Appetites and Passions

At the heart of the complex understanding of man’s psychological constitution is the relationship of the appetites to the intellect and will and how they affect each other’s operation.  “Since mental health is concerned about the intellect of man, it is essential for psychology to know how the appetites, reason and will affect one another.”[2]

St. Thomas describes that there are concupiscible and irascible appetites.[3]  As we saw earlier in the definitions in chapter two:

Concupiscible appetite- the sensitive appetite that seeks what is suitable to the senses and flees what is evil to the senses.

Irascible appetite- the sensitive appetite by which the sentient being resists the attacks that hinder its good or inflict harm on it

Thus, the concupiscible seeks the good and to avoid evil and the irascible is concerned with the obstacle to fight or flight. 

Particular passions

“A passion is motion of an appetitive power.”[4]  The name is derived from the Latin word “pati” which means to suffer or undergo, or literally to bear.  “Passion refers an appetites reception of something in some way and the reception is an actual inclining or motion toward or away from some object.  Passions occur with a bodily transmutation, i.e., the sensitive object causes some bodily change in the one undergoing the action.”[5]  A passion is the same thing as a pain or emotion.

He then states there are eleven passions altogether, which fall under the heading of these two types.  The concupiscible is divided into three couples: love and hate, desire and aversion (or flight), delight (or joy), sorrow (or sadness).  The irascible, which arises from the concupiscible, has three groups: hope and despair, fear and daring (audacity), and anger. 

We are going to consider some of the passions as they relate to pastoral counseling.

As we begin it is helpful to keep in mind that passions are stimulated by the imagination.  Without any impression upon the imagination or senses there is no passion.  They are in essence “blind.”  This will be discussed, as it is imperative to understand for many pastoral issues.

Love[6]

Love, which is a passion of the concupiscible appetite, whose contrary is hate, is the first of all the passions.[7]  It is the first of all the passions since everything one does is done out of a movement to some end, i.e. the good or thing loved, and the object of the passion of love[8] of love is the sensible good absolutely.  There are two kinds of love, volitional and sensitive.[9]   Love is an inclination with respect to the good.  It causes all other passions[10] so it is the principle or beginning of motion to the end loved.[11]  While love causes all other passions no passion causes love because it is the first of all passions.[12] 

Hate

Hate, which is the contrary of love,[13] is a passion of the concupiscible appetite, which has evil as it object.  Hate is a certain dissonance of the appetite of that which is apprehended as repugnant or harmful,[14] i.e. it refers to the concupiscible appetite not only not being displeased with the object but actually having a dissonance, incongruity or unsuitability with the object to the appetite.  Love is the cause of hate in that hate concerns the corruption or impediment of the good loved.[15]  “When the thing loved and hated is the same, then the love and hate are contraries in themselves, whereas when one thing is loved only, that thing’s contrary is hated.[16]  For example, at one time in a person’s life they may love a particular friend, but when an injury or injustice occurs in the friendship, then the person is later hated.  Consequently the same object can be the subject of love and hate.  On the other hand, one may have a child which one loves and one wills the good of that child and so anything that is contrary to the good of the child, one hates.”[17]

Pain and sorrow

Pain is involved with every issue in pastoral counseling.  One of the great oversights of modern psychology is the understanding of pain, its causes and its remedies.  The articles by St. Thomas provide an excellent foundation for insight and common sense for any priest who takes the time to consider them.  Understanding these points puts the pastoral counseling in an advantageous position.  We summarize below these following points from St. Thomas:

1.        Pain and sorrow in itself[18]

2.        Four species of sorrow

3.        Causes of pain and sorrow

4.        Effects of pain and sorrow

5.        Remedies of pain and sorrow

6.        Causes of pleasure

7.        Goodness and malice of sorrow

Pain and Sorrow in itself

What is pain? 

1.        Pain is a passion of the soul

2.        Sorrow is the same as pain

3.        Sorrow is contrary to pleasure

4.        All sorrow is not contrary to all pleasure

§                     "Weep with them that weep." Rom. xii 15

§                     Compassion is a sharing in the suffering of another and expresses love.  There are other examples of the pleasure in sorrow such as self-pity, or guilt over a sin or the thought of a beloved who is not present but longed for.

5.        There is no sorrow contrary to the pleasure of contemplation

6.        The desire for pleasure is more eager than the shunning of sorrow

§                     Pleasure is desirable for the sake of the good, which is its object whereas the shunning of sorrow is on account of evil.

7.       Interior sorrow is greater than outward pain

§                     "Sadness of the heart is every wound" Ecclus. Xxv. 17 Even the outward wounds are comprised in the interior sorrows of the heart.  What is repugnant to reason and the imagination is greater than what is repugnant to the body.  One is willing to endure outward pain in order to avoid inward pain because the inward pain is felt more keenly.

Four species of sorrow

Causes of pain and sorrow

St. Thomas provides an excellent synthesis of the causes of pain and sorrow, which enables the pastoral counselor to gain appreciation for situations and apply practical wisdom and counsel. 

Present Evil 1.        Sorrow is a movement of the appetite as a result of an apprehension Even a privation has theaspect of a being Evil is the privation of good  Privation is the lack of the contrary habit 2.        Natural movements § Approach -directed to something suitable to nature § Withdrawal -directed to something contrary to nature §          Sorrow is a kind of flight or withdrawal §                     Pleasure is a kind of pursuit or approach

Desire for unity 1.  Love is the first principle of the appetitive movement §         The first inclination of the appetite towards the possession of good 2.        Hatred is the second principal §      The first inclination of the appetite towards the avoidance of evil 3.   Concupiscence or desire is the first effect of love which gives rise to the greatest of pleasure 4.    Whatever hinders a movement from reaching its end is contrary to the movement of the appetite 5.    Desire is a cause of sorrow in so far as we sorrow for the delay of a desired good or for its complete removal Craving for unity can cause sorrow 1. In so much as desire for good is reckoned as a cause of sorrow so must a craving for unity and love 2.  The good of each thing consists in a certain unity 3.  Everything naturally desires unity

An irresistible power is a cause for sorrow 1.        A present evil is a cause of sorrow §                                          What causes a present evil should be reckoned as causing pain and sorrow 2.                 It is contrary to the inclination of the appetite to be united with a present evil §                     Whatever is contrary to a thing's inclination does not happen to it save by the action of something stronger 3.        If a stronger power goes so far as to transform the contrary inclination into its own inclination there will be no longer repugnance or violence §                     Without inclination there is no pain or sorrow §                     Sorrow is caused by the will resisting a stronger power -to yield by consent results not in sorrow but in pleasure

Goodness and malice of sorrow

Not all sorrow is evil

1.        In itself it is evil because man’s appetite is uneasy thus hindering the repose of the appetite in the good

2.        A thing is said to be good or evil on the supposition of something else

3.        Shame-on account of a shameful deed done

§                                          A sign of goodness if a man is in sorrow or pain on the count of a present evil

§                     If not in pain and sorrow he feels it not or does not reckon it as something unbecoming, both are manifest evils

§                     “It is also a good thing that he sorrows for the good he has lost: for had not some good remained in his nature, he could not be punished by the loss of good.”

Sorrow can be a virtuous good

Sorrow is a good in as much as it denotes perception and rejection of evil.

1.        Proof of the goodness of nature

§                     Nature shuns the harmful thing that causes pain

2.        Interior sorrow

§                     Perception of the evil is sometimes due to a right judgment or reason

§                     Rejection of the evil is the act of the will

3.        Every virtuous good results from these two things

§                     The rectitude of the reason

§                     The will

Sorrow can be useful good

1.        The effect of avoiding or expelling the saddening evil

§                     Sorrow can be of use because it is something to avoid

§                     In itself as contrary to good e.g. sin

§                     An occasion of evil

2.        Sorrow for that which ought to be avoided is always useful since it adds another motive for avoiding it

Bodily pain is not the greatest evil

1.        All sorrow or pain is either for something that is truly evil or something that is apparently evil but good in reality

2.        Pain or sorrow for that which is truly evil cannot be the great evil for there is something worse

§                     Not to reckon as evil that which is really evil

§                     Or not to reject it

Effects of Pain and Sorrow

Understanding the effects of pain and sorrow disposes one to compassion but also to appreciate the impact upon the mental and emotional faculties.  One can begin to understand depression and gain insight into a pastoral approach.
Blindness 1.        Hinders the power to learn §                     Love of learning will increase retention	Depression 1.        Hindered in own movement hinders the will from what it wishes to enjoy 2.        If evil is not strong enough to deprive one of the hope of avoiding it, the will retains the movement whereby to repulse that evil 3.        If the strength of the evil excludes the hope of evasion 4.        “The interior movement of the afflicted soul is absolutely hindered so that it cannot turn aside either this way or that.  Sometimes even the external movement of the body is paralyzed so that a man becomes completely stupefied.”
Debility 1.        Sorrow weakens all activity 2.        “Pleasure perfects action . . . sorrow hinders it.” Aris.Ethic, s.4	Bodily injury 1.        Of all soul's passions, sorrow is the most harmful to the body 2.        Sorrow is repugnant to man's life in respect of the species of its movement and not merely in respect of its measure or quantity

 

Remedies

The remedies for pain are obviously valuable for all counseling situations.  They lead to a common sense approach that can calm someone and restore equilibrium as well as provide a foundation for confidence in the direction.  The remedies include: all pleasure, tears and groans, sympathy of friends, contemplation of the truth, sleep and baths.  It is valuable to understand the common sense of these natural remedies so as to better understand human behavior and thus healthy or unhealthy means of assuaging pain.
All pleasure 1.        Pleasure is a kind of repose of the appetite in a suitable good 2.        Sorrow arises from something unsuited to the appetite §                     Implies ailing or weariness of the appetite 3.        All repose of the body brings relief to any kind of weariness from non-natural causes	Tears, groans 1.        A hurtful thing hurts more if shut in §                     Let out, soul’s intention is dispersed 2.        An action that befits a man according to his actual disposition is always pleasant to him §                     Tears are befitting one in pain and thus pleasant to him §                     Every pleasure assuages pain and sorrow
Sympathy-compassion of friends 1.        Sorrow has a depressing effect §                     Weight of burden §                     Seeing others saddened by one’s sorrow seems as if others are bearing the burden with him §                     They seem to be striving to lessen the weight thus the burden is lighter   2.     When a man’ friends console with him he sees that he is loved by them §                     This is more important than #1 and gives pleasure	Contemplation of the Truth 1.        The greatest of all pleasures rests in the contemplation of the Truth, the more so, the more one is a lover of wisdom §                     In midst of tribulation men rejoice in the contemplation of divine things §                                          “Count all joy, when you shall fall into diverse temptation.” James 1.2 2.        Joy amidst bodily tortures §                     Tiburtius (Martyr) said while walking on burning coals "Methinks I walk on roses, in the name of Jesus Christ"
Sleep and Baths 1.        Sorrow is repugnant to the vital movement of the body 2.        Whatever restores bodily nature is opposed to sorrow and assuages it. It brings back the normal state and thus causes pleasure

Causes of Pleasure

Since all pleasure assuages pain and pleasure is the most common motivation for human action moral or licit, it is valuable to have some understanding of the causes of pleasure.  One can then direct another to those causes that will encourage a healthy and virtuous way of life.
Work	Movement
Hope and memory 1.        Pleasure is caused by a suitable good 2.        Presence of good in mind 3.        Potential of the good 4.        Conjunction of apprehension	Love 1.        Union 2.        Action of others 3.        Action for others 4.        Similarity
Sadness 1.        Brings to mind that which is loved 2.        Absence of which causes sadness 3.        Recollection of sadness causes pleasure 4.        Absence of the evil is a good 5.        Deliverance from what caused sorrow is a joy	Wonder/Novelty

 

Pain causes other passions

Fear, anxiety, anger and depression are all caused by pain.  They are passions that ensue depending upon the conditions of the pain.  The two factors are whether the pain is in the present or future and whether escape or hope is possible. 

If the pain is in potential (i.e., the future) one has either fear or anxiety.  Fear is present as long as escape seems possible.  Thus, something bad is imagined and the person has some hope of finding a way out.  E.g., a boy fears telling his father that he broke the front window.  However, he feels if he tells his dad that it was an accident and that he himself would pay for the repair that his dad will not punish him.  Thus one who is afraid looks for an escape and feels one is possible. 

Anxiety comes when escape from the future pain seems impossible.  This disposition intensifies toward panic and thus would be the basis for panic attacks.  The person literally panics because there is no escape from the impending doom.

Acting out the fear or anxiety does ease some of the pain. 

 

 

If the pain is present the result is either anger or depression.  If the pain is judged to be unjust then the desire for revenge is caused by this memory of injustice actively present in the imagination.  The thought about how one might get that revenge makes hope present in the imagination and that assuages the pain.  If one does not see the pain as unjust and if there is no hope of it ending then effect of depression can take place.  The mind finds no recourse to expel the present evil and thus the movement is oppressive.  Acting in a depressed way does ease some of the pain but the vitality of the person is diminished.

 

Depression

Repeating what was said about depression on page 59, depression is an effect of pain, which hinders the will from what it wishes to enjoy.  It’s intensity is directly related to the proportion of the evil to the hope of avoiding it.

§          “If evil is not strong enough to deprive one of the hope of avoiding it, the will retains the movement whereby to repulse that evil.” 

§         If the strength of the evil excludes the hope of evasion, “The interior movement of the afflicted soul is absolutely hindered so that it cannot turn aside either this way or that.  Sometimes even the external movement of the body is paralyzed so that a man becomes completely stupefied.”

In other words, depression involves a present evil with no hope of unburdening or an end in sight.  This sorrow weighs down the soul with a sense of oppression.  As the intensity of the sorrow and hopelessness increases so does the torpor  increase.

In other words, depression involves a present evil with no hope of unburdening or an end in sight.  This sorrow weighs down the soul with a sense of oppression.  As the intensity of the sorrow and hopelessness increases so does the torpor[19]  increase.

Depression has a root in two vices, pride and concupiscence.[20]  

Father Chad Ripperger considers two vices that may be at the root of depression.  His proposed remedies begin a consideration of the role of virtues and pastoral counseling in dealing with depression. 

Pride

People who are depressed are unwilling to conform themselves to the truth and insist that they know the truth about themselves or their situation.  They are unwilling to submit themselves to the psychologist for direction.  Thus as the difficulty continues to prevail the person would be acting against prudence which would compel one to seek  counsel from some competent authority.

Concupiscence

One actually derives a pleasure from depression.  Someone can derive pleasure from an action that is in congruity with a disposition even if the action concerns an object viewed as evil.  The control and direction of passions requires temperance to resist the temptation to assuage the pain through self pity which keeps the object present in the imagination so as to stimulate pleasure so as to turn those thoughts and actions which might displace the object of the sorrow.

Remedies

In all cases, depression, (which is another name for the vice or bad habituation in the Concupiscible appetite for sorrow) leads or is also accompanied by the aforesaid mechanism.  Therefore solutions are:

1.        Humility to over come the pride and more the directee to submit to the judgment of others;

2.        Mortification to overcome the attachment to pleasure,

§         although this must be handled prudently so as not to give the directee another excuse for his sorrow

3.        Pursuit of the truth through learning, i.e. the pursuit of knowledge. 

§         Inclining the directee to study results in the object of the sorrow to be taken away and good objects (truths) to take it place.

As we continue to consider a pastoral approach of implementing virtues to cope with depression, perhaps it would be a good idea to keep the prayer of St. Frances in mind while considering this sorrow and hopelessness.  It should be the prayer of everyone who counsels.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
...where there is injury, pardon;
...where there is doubt, faith;
...where there is despair, hope;
...where there is darkness, light;
...where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
...to be consoled as to console;
...to be understood as to understand;
...to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
...it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
...and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

 

All of the petitions are addressing pain and its effects.  Contained are virtues which express love and compassion and contribute to the qualities within the theological virtues.  Thus, we can consider for a moment that depression may be offset by the theological virtues. The implications of this endeavor are quite profound in light of the fact that union with God takes place through the theological virtues.  We can also keep in mind that nurturing these virtues is the practical objective contained the formation of a pastor. 

The obvious objective for the pastoral counselor is to bring hope to one who is depressed.  Compassion expresses love for the directee who can see his own sorrow shared and his burden lighter because of the counselor.  It is a love that is motivated by the love of God, which constitutes charity.  The pastoral counselor may be able to understand the nature of what the person is experiencing in the light of faith and provide an appropriate counsel. 

It is valuable to return to the footnote on page 25 referring to the majority of research that has been done that could not verify that modern psychology had an impact on mental illness but could verify that the warmth on the part of the clinician and the clinician’s expectancy that the person would improve did have some positive impact.  We understand warmth to be empathy, compassion and love and expectancy to be a quality of faith.  Although we cannot quantify faith, hope and charity, it is interesting to note that science can measure the behavioral impact of their operation.

Understanding factors involved

One of the first questions to ask is, “Should this person be depressed?”  That is, one would first look for a reason to be sad or hopeless.  For example, if one has lost a beloved recently, they should be depressed from that loss in the sense that the beloved is gone and there is no hope of seeing them again until in heaven.  Of course, this faith and hope will assuage the pain but the natural state would be of extreme sorrow.  Compassion and the willingness to share the sorrow over a period of time as well as the prayerful hope for the good of the beloved and the reunion in heaven ease the pain.[21] 

Temporal affairs

Temporal affairs can be a source of great pain.  Thus considering the circumstances surrounding work and home life come to the fore.  The three major crisis areas are: the marriage and family life, the stability of the home, (i.e. financially stabilizing the home) and work (danger of termination or loss of job etc.)  Considering the presence of these crises and the hopefulness of recovery is important.

Moral life

One would also consider the events of one’s life.  Thus, if some said that they had acted immorally for a long period of time, or abandoned their faith, committed adultery without the spouse’s knowledge etc., it would be understandable that each of these people would experience depression.  This is also to be considered with those Catholics who are distant from the sacraments. 

Distance from sacrament of confession

Someone who has not been to confession in a number of years and committed grievous sins there should be several effects including dullness of mind and some problems related to how they dealt with their guilt over those years.  A healthy conscience brings pain to mind to bring the movement of contrition and reconciliation.  The defensive mechanisms necessary to quiet one’s the conscience can have psychological as well as moral implications.  One only need look at the problems experienced by women in the aftermath of abortion to appreciate this dynamic. 

State of marriage

The state of the marriage and whether a sacramental marriage is being lived is important.  For example, a woman came to my office that was quite a successful businesswoman.  However, she was suffering from depression.  She did not have any problems with her boyfriend who was living with her and was happy with him, as they were the best of friends.  She told me that her husband had divorced her many years prior after a brief marriage.  She had always wanted children but her husband would not have sex without contraception and obtained a vasectomy soon after the marriage.  She told me how she could not receive the sacraments and we discussed her distance from the Church.  We discussed the possibility that she was depressed because of the loss of her faith, the separation from God, the guilt about the divorce and cohabitation and the hopelessness about a resolve that would enable her to go to God and stand before Him in honesty.  I sent her to a priest and she began the efforts of reconciling herself with the Church.  She began a life of chastity and pursued the question of annulment.  Immediately her depression began to lift as the hope that somehow she could be at peace with God and His Church became more and more a reality. Although she could not receive the Eucharist she attended mass each Sunday through the time that an annulment was granted and she was able to marry in the Church.  Her husband eventually converted to the faith and the depression never returned.

Considering the moral disposition also includes the consideration of various virtues.  Thus industry, order, humility et. al. can all contribute to personal problems that seem hopeless.  Thus a pastoral counselor must look to the moral and sacramental life as well as the practical state of affairs.

Anger[22]     

 

Modern culture has elevated the notion of anger to somewhat of a virtue.  The call to “express one’s anger” has been seen as a sign of health for some time.  Despite this freedom of expression, problems related to anger increase as exemplified in the various forms of abuse.  Common sense would say that before one expresses something it would be wise to know the nature of the thing that they are expressing and the moral implications of that expression.  A proper understanding of anger and its remedy, forgiveness will help to provide the necessary foundation for dealing with anger and helping others control their anger.[24]  It will help the pastoral counselor to understand the reasoning involved in the anger and how factors compound the vehemence of the passion.  This will increase the possibility of mitigating the passion of anger and increasing the use of reason to resolve the difficulties.

The sole motive of anger is an insult or slight

One is angry because one is hurt.  Without an injury anger cannot exist.  The only cause for anger is the consideration of an injury that is unjust.  A person is given less than is just, i.e. what is due to them.  This could be any word or deed that insults them.  E.g. “I deserve to be treated as your wife and you treated me like a piece of property.”

Injury is inflicted in three ways: willful, ignorance or in passion

1.       The insult (word or deed) may be done as a clear, willful choice.  This type of insult and injury would be the most difficult to forgive.  E.g. Without any provocation, one says in rational indifference, “I want to hurt you and I hope that you never recover.”

2.       The insult may have been done in ignorance, e.g. "I didn't know I was hurting you."  This would be easier to forgive than the willful choice. 

3.       The insult may take place in a passionate moment.  During an argument, something may be said that was not meant.  This would not be as easy to forgive as in the case of ignorance but still easier than the willful choice.

 

Man’s excellence is the cause of his being angry

Our esteem of ourselves is the personal cause for our being angry.  The more excellent we think we are, the more insulted we might be by treatment that is less than we think we deserve. 

The anger may be justified, as in the case of Beethoven being considered inferior to Bob Dylan.  The anger may be unjustified, as in the case of Bob Dylan being considered inferior to Beethoven.

A person cannot be angry unless he/she is hurt and that hurt causes grief.  A person who has wounds within him may be more easily hurt. For example, a girl who may have been ridiculed and insulted by her brothers and father about her intelligence might be easily hurt by her husband's light-hearted and unknowingly tease about her misspelling of a word.

Hatred is different from anger 

Some people think that hatred and anger are the same thing.  Definitely, this is not the case.  Hatred wishes evil for the sake of evil.  Anger is the desire to hurt (which is an evil) for the sake of justice (vengeance for the insult which injured).  In other words, anger desires an evil for the sake of justice and not for the sake of evil as in the case of hatred.

There are three types of anger[25]

1.  Quick tempered anger  A person may have a quick-temper and be easily aroused.

2.       Bitter anger  A person may be bitter after an insult and refuse to forgive and to let go of the memory.  A person keeps it in mind so as to arouse the anger.

3.       Ill-tempered anger A person may be ill-tempered.  This person is easily aroused and experiences other emotions as his/her general disposition.  The ill-tempered person is generally "in an angry mood."  His/her anger never rests.

Effects of Anger

Pleasure Anger causes pleasure because vengeance satisfies justice for the injury, which brings pleasure.  Thinking about vengeance also brings pleasure because it brings to the mind the hope that it may come true.  This is why people think about such things repeatedly.  However, such gratification is self-destructive.

Fervor in the heart The passion that begins in the soul affects the body. "The blood starts to boil" and adrenaline pumps one up for action.

Anger hinders the use of reason Anger is the greatest obstacle to reason of all the passions.  It disturbs the sensitive powers that are needed for reason.  The greater the passion, the more difficult it is to think clearly.  This is helpful to remember when thinking about expressing anger and discussing relationship issues.   If the anger cannot be mitigated and reason restored it is unwise to continue discussions in anger for injuries will increase and reason will decrease.  The greater the anger the less reasonable will be the discussion and the more likely the situation will reduce itself to quarreling and bickering, which inflicts further injury.  It is best to pull back until reason can prevail in the discussion.

Taciturnity Anger causes difficulty in the ability to speak.  “I was so mad that I couldn't talk.”  Vocabulary is reduced to basic words and sounds.  The English professor is tongue-tied and “is reduced to grunting and spitting.”  This is another reason for discontinuing discussions when anger prevails.  If one cannot speak and think clearly, one is unlikely to communicate well and likely to communicate badly.

 

Implications of injury from insults

 

What is important here is that the memory of the insult can return and bring with it the emotion of anger.  Furthermore, with each new injury the memory of past insults may come to mind.  This intensifies the passion and is why someone brings up the past while expressing his anger in an argument.

 

The critical point is that the repetition of injuries (insults) makes the present insult even more painful and more difficult to forgive.  This is because repetition makes it seem like the insult is willful.

In other words, "If you know that this hurts me, and you continue to do this, it can't be because you don't know it hurts me (ignorance).  It must be because you want to hurt me.  Either you are giving in to the passion of anger (which is the desire to hurt me because you think that I hurt you) or you simply choose to hurt me."

The present memory calls to mind similar memories of offenses in the past.  The repetition of injuries (insults) makes the present insult even more painful and more difficult to forgive.  This is because repetition makes it seem like the insult is willful.

Saturation of Memories

Saturation of memories is when the mind is flooded with only memories of past injuries and no recollection of good memories comes to mind or can they bare any value against the bad memories.

When a person is filled with bad memories, because someone has let them down repeatedly, forgiving is a real challenge.  Since the injury has taken place over time, realize that forgiveness will also take time.  Forgiveness is easier if there are also some positive moments to remember.  This gives the injured party some good reasons to continue to be forgiving and provides a healthy perspective. 

One needs to have a certain proportion or ratio of good memories over bad.  Some might say for every bad memory one needs to have five or six good memories.  When the injuries are plentiful and the good memories in short supply the mind becomes saturated with the bad memories.  This is not the time to talk.  To do so would likely end in an argument and thus create another bad memory.  In times like these it is better to do some positive things together in order to build up some good memories and experiences before the couple tries to talk about the difficulties.

Finding the only remedy for anger

Forgiveness: the only remedy for anger

The only remedy for anger is forgiveness.  This does not mean that some action may not be necessary for the sake of charity and justice.  However, the debt must be dismissed "seventy times seven."  When someone apologizes, it makes it easier to forgive him or her because of their repentance and confession, and by humbling themselves; they show that they think better of us than the treatment had shown.  Still, it takes humility on the part of the one who forgives as well.  Justice is on his side, but charity is demanding something more of him.  This may be paramount to the meaning of being "Christ-like."

Forgiveness is the pardon or remission of an offense

It involves an act of the will to release a debt against justice on the part of another.  It dismisses the memory of the act of injustice.

God’s forgiveness versus man’s forgiveness

In God's perfect forgiveness, He does not remember our sins.  He will "...cast all my sins behind thy back.” Is. 38:17 For human beings, however, a memory may return.  This memory may bring a variety of emotions.  For example, if the memory is joyful, joy may return.  If the memory is painful, pain may return. 

Thus, there are times when we must struggle with memories and need to repeatedly dismiss a recurring memory, "...not seven times but seventy times seven." -Mt. 18:12

Present wounds can be compounded by past experiences

1.        A present memory may also bring other memories of similar experiences to mind. 

2.        The number of these similar memories may intensify the emotions.  E.g. Joy may be intensified or pain may be intensified. 

3.        From this one can see how emotional wounds can be compounded by the memories of wounds in the past.   These old wounds may surface in the events of daily life.  E.g. If our spouse hurts us it can bring to mind injuries caused by our spouse or even someone else.

4.        One may have to forgive a spouse repeatedly for similar experiences.  The spouse, on the other hand, may need to make efforts to change the behavior that might be causing the present injuries.

Sometimes better to walk away

 

If a couple has reached a point where they cannot discuss an issue without crossing the lines of civility due to anger they must restore civility by exercising self discipline.  Whoever recognizes that anger has entered in has to pull back.  If necessary, they need to walk away.

 

Let the beloved walk away

Often, the other person will claim that this is an escape and that issues are never resolved.  They may follow and keep the other person engaged thus preventing that person from prudently avoiding doing harm.  The important thing here is to make the couple understand the need to separate and to allow the other person to walk away.  The problem of escaping the issue is secondary at this point.  Trust cannot be restored without respect and neither can be established if anger is expressed in hurtful ways.  Anger is the desire to hurt and it diminishes reasoning and the ability to think.  One is on the defensive and attacks thus putting the other person on the defensive.  Bother parties end up rejecting most anything that is said of the other.  These things do not add up to resolution only injury and alienation.  They can be reassured that the issues can be discussed at a later time.  If they are seeing a counselor regularly, that will provide a protection against avoidance.

The Healing nature of Sacramental Grace

 “The love of spouses and parents has the capacity to cure these kinds of wounds, provided the dangers alluded to do not deprive it of its regenerative force, which is so beneficial and wholesome a thing for human communities.  This capacity depends on the divine grace of forgiveness and reconciliation, which always ensures the spiritual energy to begin anew. For this very reason family members need to encounter Christ in the church through the wonderful sacrament of penance and reconciliation.” John Paul II[27]  

Matrimony aids healing

The sacramental grace of Matrimony enables a spouse to respond in a healing manner.  By charitable spousal love, one may heal wounds, which were caused by another or by ideologies, which attack dignity of persons and the family. 

When the spouse changes to improve his or her own behavior for the sake of the beloved, the lover creates a new experience of their sacramental union and love.  A new memory is created as the lover places his/her own heart into the wound of the beloved.

Confession aids healing

One of the most effective and practical counsels that can be given to one who struggles with temperance and continence to control the passion of anger to recommend frequent reception of the sacrament of Penance.  It is advised that one go to confession weekly.[28]  The sacrament not only reconciles one God but it also provides grace to resist temptation and increase in the necessary virtue.  Furthermore, it brings healing to the wounds that are related to the anger.  Men especially benefit from this practice.  A common result is that men report having a cushion of emotional space in that they do not immediately fire out in anger but notice a pause, which allows them to make a choice to go forward or withdraw. 

To this practice one can help the person to understand the nature of anger and its causes as well as how the memories influence it as well as other factors.  Adding the prudential discussion on what things lead up to the point of anger and developing the discipline of walking away and not striking out adds a sound foundation.

A very helpful and practical intervention is to encourage the person to write a letter expressing their feelings.  However, they should not send the letter off.  This will enable them to get the emotions out and calm themselves down.  Because it is written they will feel a certain pleasure and sense of justice to see it concretely laid out before them.  After a time they can return to the letter and look for the one clear and reasonable statement that expresses their sense of injustice and the issue they want to address.  Next, they can rewrite the letter under the awareness of charity toward the beloved seeking to understand and forgive and thus reconcile with the beloved. 

When dealing with important letters, such as reconciling with a parent for past wounds, it is helpful to bring the letter to the spiritual director who can then advise them if the letter possesses sufficient benevolence and is appropriate to send.

Escape Hatch[29]

What’s the Escape Hatch?

It comes from the tendency toward self-preservation.  It is the irascible passion that seeks flight from an evil.  “I will get out of relationship in hope of ending the pain.”

Dynamics

The other spouse or relationship is source of pain.  There is a hope that separating will end pain.  Idea of separating grows more appealing & brings false sense of peace.

What’s it take to stay?

It takes a commitment to fight for relationship and not against the beloved.  One must make decisions for relationship.  Each decision toward relationship deepens love & happiness.

The hope that difficulty will be overcome; that the beloved may change; that the pain may end or that some good may come from this all lighten the pain.  The trust in God and hope that He will bring the couple through is an ultimate recourse.

Small successes produce hope

Decisions to preserve deepen love between the couple.  Small success gives hope for future encounters and creates optimism from the resourcefulness that is felt and the trust in the beloved. 

Cynicism destroys love

Cynicism is an expression of contemptuous distrust.  It stems from the pleasure of thinking badly about the beloved’s behavior and potential and acting it out in some way.  It is similar to the cynicism that is so common in sports.  People can commonly be observed yelling insults at their favorite team while watching a game on the TV.  By screaming that the team one loves is a collection of bums, one brings pleasure from the stating the insult and predicting defeat.  Thus, one can say, “I knew they would lose.”  One does not have to be vulnerable in the ways that hope in the beloved demands. 

This is a poor consolation, however, because not only does it weaken the growth of character, it closes out beloved and protects oneself. Thus it is selfish and immature. 

Hope, in God and in the beloved, however, overcomes cynicism. Love demands risks & vulnerability and hope makes one vulnerable.  So rather in hoping that one will fail, one hopes that the beloved will succeed and come through.  Even in set backs and defeats, the hope prevails and deepens love.

Anxiety

As was said earlier, anxiety comes when escape from the future pain seems impossible.  This disposition intensifies toward panic and thus would be the basis for panic attacks.  The person literally panics because there is no escape from the impending doom.

Panic involves a distortion of prudence.  In prudence a person looks ahead to see the possible consequences and weighs them as good or bad.  In panic, a person considers only the potential evil outcomes and the futility of trying to escape and moves to despair.  In this case reasoning is subservient to fear and stops short of operating fully and thus only deduces mayhem.  All options seem bad and there is no hope of good outcome.

The major intervention involves changing the image that causes the passion of anxiety.  Without the image of a future evil without escape there is no passion.  The first remedies seek to change the image by means of reformulation.  That is, to alter the image so as to remove its sense of hopelessness.  Understanding the issues and factors is the first step to that.  One first seeks to "attack" the fear with reason.  That is, gaining perspective by understanding what the possible outcomes can be and if they can be managed. Also, one would consider what authorities might be consulted or involved to bring in reality and what that counsel brings.  For example, a lawyer might have given advice which negates the fear the person presents and so the advice would be to hold to that image of the the competent counsel and reject the contrary image.  Thus, reformulation involves changing the image by reasoning through the factors to make the issue manageable by the person. 

One may also look to an image that gives the fearful image meaning and value.  For example, one could think of Our Lord in the garden experiencing the passion and identify and align themselves with His suffering.  The pain would continue but the anxiety would decrease.  The other way of changing the image is to simply remove it by replacing it with another image of something totally different.  This is effective

Remedies
Understanding Listen to a person and understand the nature of their fear.	Options and outcomes Explore options and possible outcome and thus help them consider dealing with the negative possibilities and then consider more of the positive possibilities.
Competent authority Identifying competent authority for issues that are involved. E.g. if they are afraid of having a cyst one can advise them to get a medical opinion.	Worst case scenarios It can help to ask for a worst-case scenario so as to set a bottom line that the person may be able to cope with.  E.g. Someone who is panicky about praying to God for His will because they do not want to lose a boyfriend if it is not His will.  The worst case scenario is that the young lady will find happiness in God’s will without this particular fellow.
Bring in reality To what degree are the fears real?  Is there real danger?  What steps need to be taken?  E.g. A woman may be in a panic that her husband is going to beat her.  If this were so then steps would need to be taken to keep her safe.  Whereas, a woman may be anxious that she cannot tell her husband about her anxiety for fear of burdening him and that he will himself have a break down or leave her.  It may be clear that the husband is steadfast, stable and wants her to turn to him so that he can help her.	Write things down Have the person write things down.  This will reduce some of the anxiety in the same way writing a list of things to reduces the stress of having many tasks in one’s mind.  One can then rate the contents of the list and poses written responses that the person can see and thus help the imagination to cling to something positive.
Review history A review the personal history will help understand how realistic the fears are.  E.g. a young woman was anxious about her mother going away for the weekend because she was afraid that she might become ill while her mother was gone.  When asked about her general state of health she said, “Oh, I am very healthy. I hardly ever get sick.”  Helping her focus on that reality diminished the anxiety so that in a few weeks she herself went on a short visit to her grandmother’s.	Change focus The imagination stimulates the passions which are blind by nature.  Without the image there can be no passion.  Just resisting any temptation or distraction to prayer, have the person turn the imagination to something good.  Either positive ideas and possibilities, or focus upon the tasks at hand during the present day and the people that are there.  E.g. A mother can be encouraged to thing about the children that she is caring for during the day and to become more attentive to her husband.  Turning to aids for prayer is an excellent means of changing focus.  These things increase sensible quality of good for the imagination.  Other senses, e.g. sight, hearing, touch all contribute to some increased intensity for the imagination to grasp.
Increase the passion An unusual technique is to ask the person to increase the level fear that they are experiencing.  If they can increase it then they can control it so as to reduce it.	Meditation Reflection upon scripture or mystery is an excellent means of focus because of the reality that is present.  The imagination goes from created fantasies to frighten to groping to perceive reality.  It will build and restore the faculties as this heals and strengthens imagination & will, develops virtue and stability and makes faculties more suitable for good less tolerant of evil. Help the person understand dynamics related to anxiety and how it is preoccupation with the future and avoiding the present.  Our Lord’s counsel to not worry about tomorrow for today has enough evil to deal with is good counsel.

 

Moderation

A general approach of moderation is essential to pastoral counseling because all things must be in moderation.  The simple approach is to bring perspective to the situation when one is dealing the extremes of emotional swings.[30]  When things seem good the person can thing of nothing wrong and the good seems perfect and elates them.  When they are depressed they can think of nothing good.  A counselor will generally pull against the excess by providing some perspective to balance things out.  When one goes too high counsel will be to temper the person down by helping them consider some possible negative obstacles that they might face.  When one goes too low counsel temper up by help the person to see the present or potential good.