Virtues
How can I deal with my husband who is
depressed and does not seem to work on the marriage. Dealing with his childhood
is all he is capable of at this time and I don't know if he will ever beyond
that point.
In counseling I usually take the approach of looking to the
vision of what is good and what therefore might be lost to the couple or family.
This works out better then directly pointing out error and faults. If you look
to what is good, what is “not good will become apparent. However, you leave a
person some room for dignity. There is a difference in someone saying “I do this
wrong” and “I could do more of that.”
I would suggest that you go to marriage counseling together. It would seem that
one would ask if the counselor he is seeing now would work for this. You could
look at what your goals and objectives are together and what you value together
and what you are doing together. Faith is an important issue when it comes to
hope and overcoming sadness and despair.
I work differently with issues of depression than others because I approach it
from an educational point of view. I work to understand the nature of the thing
and help the couple to find practical options.
You understand that certain specific things cannot be said in a format such as
HouseCalls and that I have to keep my answers in a generic mode. There are
specifics though that are in your relationship and family that need to be worked
through and you need someone to help you to do that. Couples often reach a point
where their normal coping skills are beyond them and they need professional
help. This is the same principle that your husband is following in that he is
seeking help because this is beyond his normal coping skills and marital
relationship at this point.
Try to find someone who helps the marital relationship to become primary. A man
and woman must put each other before the children as primary in their love. This
does not mean that children’s needs don’t often present themselves in ways that
cannot be ignored but the principle of placing a spouse first is one that can be
maintained. One practical solution has been that the couple addresses the needs
of the children together. Thus their partnership is focusing upon the children
rather then only one of them doing it and the other being continually shut out.
Since children take up so much time, the need to find time alone as a couple
such as in walks, dinners, outings, overnighters, weekends and talks, etc.,
become critically important to work for a couple.
Particular strategies for improving the marital relationship and drawing a
husband out would depend upon specifics.
Where can I find a book to help us build a marital
relationship that is not there?
As for a book, I would recommend finding a book about
the covenant of marriage. Covenanted Happiness: Love and Commitment in Marriage
by Cormac Burke and published by the Ignatius press if a point of reference. We
have a book that is more practical and maybe better serve you, Living Sacrament,
published by McGraw/Hill. You can check it out on this web site,
http://www.familylifeinstitute.org/. Love and
Responsibility by Pope John Paul II is an excellent work that presents
incredible insight into marital intimacy. Deitrich and Alice Van
Hilledebrande’s have written some fine books on marriage. There are others.
Look for books that present the dignity of marriage in light of practical daily
life.
How do I . . . .address our concerns about the
possibility that our daughter may have an eating disorder?
Our sixteen year old daughter has exhibited some eating
habits which are concerning. As a result of intentionally eating smaller
portions and skipping a meal occasionally, she has lost about fifteen pounds
over a period of four or five months. We have talked about her reduced calorie
intake and her feelings about her body size and image. She is not compulsive
nor excessive regarding eating or exercising, though, she does desire to be
“skinny”. She does not feel depressed nor does she show signs of depression.
At her current height of five feet, four inches, with a small frame, weighing
ninety-eight pounds, most resources indicate she is below an ideal weight. Our
main concerns are her physical health, thought processes concerning her body
image, and her spiritual health. We are a born again Christian family. Where
and how should we begin to work out these problems with our daughter?
Answer:
First sit her down and tell her your
concerns and then seek help from competent people. Have your family doctor give
her a physical to see that her body does not have chemical or vitamin
deficiencies. Have the doctor carry on a healthy conversation about a sensible
eating style and nutritional diet. Try to understand what she feels about her
body and weight and her motivations etc. One of the topics to cover is the
issue of control and whether she feels that she has sufficient control of her
life. It can be just normal “trying to fit in or be accepted” combined with the
cultural message about body types. If your concerns turn out to be justified
then you must get her to competent counsel. I would seek a Christian counselor
and go as a family. That has usually been the most successful avenue for me.
How do I . . . .? Help a 10 yr. old boy who was shown
a sex magazine by a classmate?
Answer:
You would talk to the boy finding out
what he saw, thought and felt. What has happened is that his innocence has been
attacked and you want to assess in a gentle way how he has been affected. You
have to take the lead from him because innocence does protect little ones and
they see things differently because they may not be sure what they are seeing
the first time.
However, talking about it in a loving
way is important because you want to try to heal. It is a case where the parent
does not offer much new information unless it is demanded by the child’s need.
Think of how you might deal with the boy receiving the information in a dialogue
with the friend and then coming home to tell you. In that case you would
simply correct the errors that had been started by responding to each idea.
Talking about purity, modesty etc. is
important here.
Without knowing the details, if there
is correction to be done, it can be gently but firmly done. If it is something
that the boy had little to do with, placing things with the context of marriage
in some way will help and that this book was something that did not respect
something beautiful and sacred. Instead they exploited it for pleasure. Let
him talk about whether he felt pleasure and then try to help him understand that
things can be wrong and pleasurable. (that is the point isn’t it) Those
feelings are natural and the people who put out these books are trying to
exploit those feelings even in young people and this is one of the many reasons
that it is so wrong. When young children are exploited and feel pleasure they
can get confused and take on more responsibility then is called for and start to
doubt things about themselves. This is compounded by their normal inability to
cope or prevent the thing from happening. Reassurance is necessary.
The key is that you are trying to heal
something within the boy and you don’t know exactly how he is doing with it
unless he tells you. Tend to his feelings, his thoughts and place the sexual
images in their rightful place.
The other boy’s parents should be
informed. Depending upon the other boy’s disposition, distance is likely to be
called for unless you are confident this was a one time error that will not
repeat itself. I would end any relationship. The boy should have been expelled
for that but this may be a public school.
End up by talking about what should be
done in the future if such things are presented to him. Little ones seldom ever
handles anything like this the first time and that is why they fall victim.
If there is moral responsibility tend
to it in the proper way and be vigilant in the future in regards to playmates
and activities.
We are told that once a child reaches puberty, the
teachings of "Truth and Meaning" no longer apply. Is this accurate?
Answer:
As you have found with the papal institute the document
deals with four learning stages: age of innocence, puberty, adolescence and
toward adulthood. To say that the document ends at puberty is absurd in light of
the document itself. Three of the four learning stages that the document
addresses would be eliminated. Simple reading of the sections concerning the
learning stages establishes this. This would be confirmed by the authors of the
document. If the diocese thinks otherwise they could contact the pontifical
council for the family and ask. email address:
pcf@family.va
I am being told that if human reproduction is taught in
a biology class in the grade school, the guidelines of "Truth and Meaning" can
be sidestepped because it isn't "sex education." Is this so?
Answer:
The simple answer is that the guidelines can never be
sidestepped. This is not a civil law system looking for loopholes that allow for
contradiction. The guidelines are simply criteria for addressing these issues
within the family and within the educational institutions. They are not
something to set aside but applied.
The issues of the biology class is less clear in that I am not sure of the facts
involved and the document is not as literal as with the question above. I will
include a couple of passages from Truth and meaning for the adolescent for your
purposes. However, let me attempt to offer some considerations. Human anatomy
might be taught in biology but how it is taught is still important and some
things would be better presented in segregated classes and some things cannot be
presented at all. E.g. the act of sexual intercourse cannot be. Also young woman
without the presence of young men might discuss operation of their anatomy. The
more intimate the information, the more it does not belong in the classroom and
must be guarded within the home.
The ethics of contraception can be discussed. It is appropriate to discuss the
immorality of contraception. This can happen without violating the intimacy
that must be protected.
The guideline from the document “Recommendations for parents” #5
”Catechesis on morality may be provided by other trustworthy persons, with
particular emphasis on sexual ethics at puberty and adolescence. Parents should
take an interest in the moral catechesis which is given to their own children
outside the home and use it as a support for their own educational work. Such
catechesis must not include the intimate aspects of sexual information, whether
biological or affective, which belongs to individual formation within the
family.”
This is probably one of the points that you are referring to in the document and
is a guideline for even classes in biology.
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