Developing Relationship

In this document we will comment on some of the factors that can be influential in the quality of the communication in a marriage relationship and in the possibility that it should develop as such.

In order to consider the factors, which can influence the quality of the communication, we are going to refer to:

Empathy is the degree in which one is conscious of what really exists in the other. The degree of appreciation is the sum of all the emotional reactions, either negative or positive, that compose one's feelings towards the other. Congruence is the degree in which there is an internal unity between one's experience, one's understanding and one's comfi1unication of that reality.

In the marriage relationship, empathy means that each spouse concerns himself/herself with trying to see things from the others' point of view: This is not the same as putting one self in the other person's shoes just in order to see things with the same limitations, but rather to attempt to be objective in order to better know the feelings and thoughts, external or internal, of the other.

For example, when seeing one's spouse sad, one should not try to put oneself in the same situation- feel sad as well. Instead one should try to analyze the factors, which could have caused this sadness. Knowing the other well enough to be able to see it from their viewpoint does this. In this way it is possible to discover what could have influenced the sadness. There are several possibilities:

Understanding the problem will help discover the causes and also determine the proper response. A satisfactory relationship between husband and wife is not based just upon one's knowledge of the other's sadness or the attempt to comfort him/her.

Depending on the cause for the sadness, the response will also differ. In the previous examples, the sadness might be resolved by just listening and encouraging the spouse to keep the promise, interest him/her in other things or simply wait until he/she overcomes it alone- the problem being of no major importance.

Different authors have studied the concept of congruence since 1957. Rogers defined it as being "the ability to perceive the emotional state of the other with exactitude as though one were the other person, but without losing the observers point of view."[1] Other psychologists started to confuse the stat~ of empathy with the manifestation of empathy. In 1970, Truax refers to empathy as something, which is more than the skill of being aware of the client's private world as though it were one's own. It includes more than the understanding of what the client says. Empathy includes not only one's awareness of the others situation, but also one's capacity to communicate this awareness to the other in an appropriate manner.[2] Both of these capacities are necessary for a relationship to develop. There has been much discussion over what aspects in this process should be considered of particular importance in the training of counselors or if there are other important aspects to be addressed. Hackney suggests that the potential of the person to understand can be blocked or impeded by personal problems, either from conflicting emotions or from the lack of ability to adequately focus in on the situation. He suggests that it is better to try to get rid of these difficulties than to try to develop the empathic capacity itself.[3]

The dynamics of continuing communication with the spouse will greatly depend on believing that one's spouse wants to understand one's own point of view, and also that he/she in fact does. Also, both husband and wife need to feel that the other is aware of their own feelings and that they are able to understand what they are trying to get over in spite of difficulties in expressing it.

If this empathy in understanding is developed, the spouse may identify himself/herself with one of the following statements:

As can be seen, these statements reflect a low level of communication, which may produce a feeling of "insecurity" or lack of self-confidence, or the feeling that the spouse does not really love or respect one. If this becomes a recurrent feeling, the memory might become "saturated" with these feelings and the result may be a serious break down in the marriage relationship.

To appreciate means to recognize the value of something or somebody. In a relationship, not only does it refer to the recognition of a person's value but also to the demonstration of this appreciation. If this appreciation is not expressed or communicated in some way, although it does in fact exist, it is possible that the spouse will cease to feel close to the other because he/she feels ignored or scorned in some way.

There are several problems related to the degree of appreciation. Firstly, it is possible that the spouse really does not value the other or only values him/her partially. Secondly, the spouse may feel the need to be appreciated in a certain role, in some aspect of his/her life, which has not yet been taken into account. Thirdly, as we mentioned before, the spouse may not know how to communicate or perceive this appreciation.

The basic attitude we are looking for is one in which the spouses recognize each other's unlimited value; that means that the spouse is worth so much that it would be impossible to measure and appreciate his/her full value. This kind of feeling is shown in statements such as, "I really never get to know my wife. She keeps on surprising me. " This shows that new values are always being discovered. To appreciate another is to believe in their radical possibility for improvement, to believe that tomorrow they may offer something more than today, that they may achieve further maturity each day.

If a spouse reaches the point of "putting a ticket" on the other of saying that they are this, that, or the other in a definitive way, they will be showing a lack of respect. Obviously, not appreciating is different from not being able to appreciate because of the limitless possibilities of the other. We therefore seek an attitude of wonder and constant discovery as though it were a blind person who sees the other for the first time. This attitude of discovery is what most indicates a capacity to appreciate and value somebody else.

It is normal, though, for there only to be a partial appreciation in a marriage. On the one hand because it is not possible to appreciate all aspects of the other and on the other because one can (and does) value some aspects of the spouse more than others and this can produce other difficulties in the marriage.

If a husband appreciates his wife only or principally as a mother, it is a correct appraisal but it is incomplete. In the same way, if a wife values her husband only as a worker, she may not consider him as a husband. Obviously there should be a mutual respect for each other's particular function in the marriage and then as a mother, as a friend, a worker, etc. When there is a rejection of one of these possible roles, or simply indifference, the possibilities of true appreciation decline.

In this sense, each spouse should think about what possible prejudices he/she has as a result of some preconceived "model" he/she has set up for his/her spouse because this will surely be hindering the spouse's possibility of behaving in the way he/she really is.

This sort of thing can be noticed in actions such as; not listening to the other's opinion; not appreciating the other's interests; not informing on certain subjects financial information. We find this exemplified in taking for granted that the other doesn't know or won't understand; or not recognizing the others' talents, such as playing the piano, because the spouse either doesn't understand or like music.

The degree of appreciation depends on the values one appreciates, and also on the capacity one has for recognizing them. Initially, this appreciation will be manifested through behavior, which makes the spouse feel appreciated and loved. Where a high level of appreciation exists, the spouse will know that the other feels a real affection towards him/her. They will know that their spouses are interested in them as people. And all this will be expressed in a series of acts in which each one is affectionate and attentive to the other.

If one becomes impatient or even worse, if one becomes indifferent or scornful, a low degree of appreciation will be evident. This impatience, indifference or scorn can exist towards the person as a whole or specifically towards a certain aspect of the spouse. As many of the other's virtues as possible should be appreciated because feeling a lack of appreciation even in an aspect of relatively little importance can easily produce an overall feeling of rejection because a person is one complete unity and if a person feels even partially rejected, it may produce a very delicate situation.

Congruence implies that the person acts in accordance with what he/she feels or thinks. Does a satisfactory conjugal relationship depend upon complete congruence in this sense? Congruence may be understood as acting consistently with one's feelings or one's thoughts, independently of what these feelings or thoughts might be. But this is not a correct way of understanding the term because congruence should take into account also the other person with whom the relationship is shared.

An act that doesn't take the good of the relationship into account does not show congruence, but is rather a consequent action. The following example should demonstrate this.

A husband finds that he has no shirt clean and ironed just when he has to go on a trip. He knows that his wife has had many problems taking care of a sick child and that she has been over stressed recently. The husband is upset because he doesn't find his shirt. Examining this situation, what would be a congruent action and what would be a consequent action? A congruent action would take into account the wife’s' needs and the needs of the conjugal relationship. The husband, acting congruently could take the wrinkled shirt without saying anything; buy a new shin without telling his wife; iron the shin himself; or ask his older daughter to iron it instead. A consequent action would be to express his anger vocally with an insult or with a gesture.

At that moment it is possible that the wife be so over stressed that expressing these thoughts or feelings would not be adequate. But if these kinds of acts are repeated too many times it may produce a situation in which one of the spouses is constantly closing up their true feelings. In the end the problem must be dealt with. For example, a wife notices that her husband is not paying much attention to her, but she knows that he is tired. She overcomes this displeasure a couple of times, but eventually she needs to express her feelings to her husband. If she doesn't she would be hiding something essential for the development of the relationship.

From what we have said, it seems clear that the congruence we are looking for is in relation to a long term predetermined criteria. There is no need for a consequent action each and every time. It's up to each spouse to decide how they should behave taking into consideration the good of the marriage relationship.

For the same reasons it will be clear that there is no need always to tell everything to one's spouse, because there are subjects which will not help the relationship if they are shared. There should be a general feeling of openness and sincerity, but there are also times in which it will be convenient to mention certain subjects or not.

Lack of congruence can be noted when there is a sensation that the other is not being himself/herself; that they are playacting; when he/she is uncomfortable when asked about certain topics or gives the impression that their exterior actions are different from their internal feelings.

The key to the question is the importance of the topics dodged and the frequency with which it happens. If we go back to our example of the husband and his shin, if his wife notices that he is holding his temper, she would naturally be appreciative of the gesture; there is no lack of congruence here. But, if he were to cover up a point of view on some act of his spouse, which he considers to be dishonest, for example, then it would not be congruent. The nature of the topic is important enough to require attention. Of course, for the good of the relationship this should be done at an adequate moment and with the suitable words so as not to hurt the other unnecessarily.

The spouses’ congruence in the relationship will be noticeable if they are sincere and don't elude important topics, if they express their feelings and if they feel comfortable with the relationship as a whole.

[1] ROGERS. C.R, The necessary and sufficient conditions of Therapeutic Personality Change. Journal of Consulting Psvchology. 1957,21,94-103.

[2] TRUAX, C.B. A scale for the measurement of accurate empathy "Psychiatric Institute Bulletin", University of Wisconsin, 1961, I, Issue 12.

[3] HACKNEY, H., "The evolution of empathy". Personnel and Guidance Journal. Sep. 1978.

Conditions for Developing a Relationship in Marriage

Professor David Isaacs

Empathy

Appreciation

Congruence

Living Sacrament

Christian Married Life