Marriage Preparation is a Family AffairPatrick J. DiVietri, Ph.D. While dioceses and parishes throughout the country seek to improve their marriage preparation programs, it must be kept in mind that preparation for any vocation, whether it be married, religious or clerical, is accomplished primarily in the home. When I was preparing couples for marriage in the Diocese of Peoria, I would begin by explaining that their marriage preparation had for the most part been accomplished throughout the past 18-25 years of their family life. In light of this, the diocesan program was in some respects an opportunity for them to confirm and clarify that preparation. I was presenting the Church’s vision of marriage not as an ideal but a reality so that the couple could discern their own vision in light of that reality. By understanding what the Church means by marriage the couple can better understand whether their own meaning is in the right direction.
On the more practical level we can say that if the couple wants to get a glimpse at their future family life, they could look at that of their own parents. The roles of husband/wife, father/mother, parent and child etc. are formed within the family and have the most significant impact on how the couples to be married would carry out their own roles in their new families. And whether they like it or not there will be things that they will repeat. I remember watching my sister correct her son, and I found myself laughing as I said, “Marie, you look just like Ma.” My sister immediately sat down and cried, “I didn’t want to be like Ma.” In this particular case being like Ma was not really such a bad deal; the point of the story is that changing something takes some thought and effort. It is not impossible to change habits if one chooses but it is necessary that one think about how he will change them and then put an effort into doing so. It does not just happen because one says he will not do what his parents did. Most important is that parents prepare their children for marriage. The vision of marriage and family is formed within our personal family. The values a couple share will be passed on to their children. The way the family expresses love will be commonly understood. One family may be affectionate; another may be more formal. One family may be emotional in the way that it deals with a crisis while another is more stoic or cerebral. The practices of a family become habits which, for good and ill, will not change easily. This is why the parental efforts are so important and impossible to replace. The habits of eating meals together and saying prayers as a family go a long way in forming character and family traditions. The respect that is shown between the spouses and each family member is communicated clearly to the children. If the virtues are honored and strived for within the family, they will become rudiments in the life of the new family.
Whatever makes up the priorities of a family will effect the priorities of the children. If meals are taken together and religious practice as well as responsibility are a priority, the children will pick this up clearly. If children are prized by parents as a gift from God, the children will hear that message clearly and value children in their own marriage as a sign of their love and not as a burden. Nearly all couples say they value children as a priority during marriage preparation but that value tends to be more idealistic. In practice, there are couples who tend to put other priorities before having children. For example, couples might begin their marriage by a. getting ahead financially, b. getting a house, c. getting the cars that they want, d. getting the things that they want, e. limiting the number of children to 2 etc. Children require a great deal of self-sacrifice and the family is the school for self-denial and sacrifice. The family life created by their parents greatly helps a couple to see children as a living reality of their own love and bounty. This can make it easier for them to place children as a priority in a practical and loving way. When the Church speaks of marriage preparation, it articulates three stages: remote, proximate and immediate. Immediate, of course is that time just before the wedding that normally takes place with the help of diocesan or parish programs. Proximate has been interpreted in two ways. The first is that it is the time that the engagement begins and contact with the parish begins thus leaving immediate preparation to refer to those few weeks before the wedding itself. The second interpretation would be that proximate preparation would begin in young adulthood. Remote preparation has clearly been understood as that time from conception until the time that proximate preparation begins. It is the life within the family that forms individuals and develops their character. It is the time that has the greatest impact upon the new marriage and family life. In order to help couple consider their family life experience and how it might effect their future I offer them a couple of tools. One involves a list of questions concerning their families. These questions are not only to help the couples prepare for marriage but to help them grasp that they by working out their vocations, will be preparing their own children for their future vocations. These questions may be of benefit to parents who wish to think about how they are preparing their children for marriage. What do you find in your family that might tell you something about what your children are learning?
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Please be aware that another website is using the Family Life Institute and Dr. DiVietri's name without authorization. Considering the nature of the website and the contents it links to we are not naming the imposter website or giving a link to it. The Family Life Institute is currently seeking what recourse it can take to stop the activities of the website in question.
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Apples fall from the tree