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 A Guide for Evaluating Communication in Marriage

Professor David Isaacs

 The idea of this document is to offer the reader the chance of thinking about the communication in his/her own marriage. To be able to do this -which will always be useful if improvement is being sought- the reader will find a list of statements which can be thought about and related to one's own situation. This process may be carried out alone or together with one's spouse if this seems useful.  It is important not to center one's attention on the shortcomings, on what is wrong, but rather on those things, which each spouse wants to try to improve in the future. 

Attitudes towards marriage

Conditions for self-giving in marriage

Conditions for receiving in marriage

Conditions of a satisfactory relationship

Decision Making

Projects

Doing things together

The subject matter of communication

General Satisfaction with the state of communication

Satisfaction with different roles

 

1. Attitudes towards marriage 

1.        I can't think of my life without my spouse. When I plan my future projects I always take him/her into account.

2.        I am in love with my spouse.

3.        I love my spouse as he/she is with his/her strong points and with his/her failings.

4.        As time goes on I feel more and more united to my spouse.

5.        I feel that our marriage is an adventure lived by both of us together.

6.        I am committed to my spouse.

7.        I try to share all I can with my spouse.

8.        To have children and/or educate them is a responsibility accepted by us both.

9.        I consider my marriage to be permanent. 

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2. Conditions for self-giving in marriage 

1.        I am sufficiently satisfied with my life in general so as to want to communicate with my spouse.

2.        I believe I have interesting qualities, which are worthwhile giving to my spouse.

3.        My character makes communicating with my spouse easy.

4.        My normal state of health and mind allows me to communicate with my spouse.

5.        I express myself in a language that is easy to understand and in a tone of voice that can be accepted by my spouse.

6.        My gestures, actions and so on are rich in meaning and favor communication with my spouse.

7.        I take advantage of everyday life together to give all I can to my spouse.

8.        I find the right moments and situations so as to be able to express my feelings and thoughts in a calm way.

9.        I realize that noise affects me, as does too much activity, in my desire to communicate with my spouse.

10.    I notice how my ideas about marriage are, or can be, affected by the ideas and behavior I find in my surroundings and, even so, I reaffirm my idea of what matrimony is. 

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3. Conditions for receiving in marriage 

1.        I need to receive from my spouse so as to reach fuller personal maturity.

2.        I fell the need to receive from my spouse.

3.        I know what my needs are as a married person and I know what I need to receive from my spouse so as to Improve.

4.        I am satisfied with the quality and quantity of what I receive from my spouse.

5.        I am open to information that my spouse gives me.

6.        I know how to forget my own worries so as to receive from my spouse.

7.        I try to catch the shades of meaning and the real sense of what my spouse says to me.

8.        I try to observe, note and interpret the different gestures, actions and so on of my spouse in the informal moments of family life.

9.        I find the time and the right moments to stimulate my spouse to communicate with me.

10.    I really take into consideration what my spouse communicates and try to act in a consistent way. 

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Conditions of a satisfactory relationship 

  1. When we are talking my spouse usually understands what I mean.

  2. He/she notices my feelings.

  3. He/she understands me.

    For a complete presentation of the essential vision of marriage check out

    Christian Married Life

  4. He/she respects me as a person.

  5. He/she really shows me affection.

  6. I really feel he/she values me for what I am.

  7. He/she is happy and at ease in our relationship.

  8. He/she is authentic and genuine in our relationship.

  9. I feel that what he/she says almost always expresses what he/she is really feeling or thinking at the time.

  10. He/she does not try to avoid anything that is important for our relationship.

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Decision making and Projects

Decision making 

  1. I try to come to an agreement with my spouse on topics which affect either's life style or the family in general.

  2. I back down when there is a disagreement about some decision of little importance.

  3. I understand that my spouse should make personal decisions in questions such as friends, how his/her work should be done etc, always supposing that those decisions do not affect the family in an important way.

  4. I respect the decisions taken by my spouse in questions, which belong to his/her own private affairs.

  5. I look for adequate and sufficient information before making a decision.

  6. I try not to have prejudices when I am making a decision.

  7. I take a personal standpoint in questions, which are of importance to the family and to us both.

  8. I understand why my spouse defends points of view, which are different from, mine.

  9. I try to rectify or make amends when I see that I have made a mistake in taking a decision.

  10. After taking a decision I carry out what has been decided.

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Projects 

  1. We have talked through and thought about what we want for the future.

  2. My spouse and I agree about what we want for the future.

  3. We have talked about how our family life is getting along.

  4. We agree about what improvements should be made as regards our family life.

  5. We have talked about how we see our marriage.

  6. We agree about how we should like our marriage to develop in the future.

  7. We have thought and talked about our relationships with friends.

  8. We agree about how we should like these relationships to' be in the future.

  9. We have thought and talked about each other's work and future plans in the same sense.

  10. We agree about each other's future work projects.

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6. Doing things together and the subject matter of communication

Doing things together 

  1. We discuss ideas and opinions in a stimulating way.

  2. We laugh together.

  3. We work together on the same project.

  4. We celebrate special occasions together.

  5. We go shopping together.

  6. We carry out some hobby together.

  7. We visit friends and relations together.

  8. We go out together for a meal or for a walk.

  9. We visit our children's school together.

  10. We accompany each other for some personal commitments (business, trips, visits to the doctor, going to a meeting, etc.).

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The subject matter of communication 

We talk about the following subjects without undue tension and understanding the other's point of view.

  1. Relatives

  2. How to earn, spend and save money

  3. The children's education

  4. Politics

  5. Subjects related to faith and religion

  6. Each other's behavior in public

  7. Free time activities

  8. Each other's work

  9. Friends

  10. Our marriage

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7. General satisfaction with the state of communication

 The communication in our marriage is: 

  1. Thoroughly satisfactory

  2. Rich in content

  3. Open and far reaching

  4. Stimulating

  5. Complete

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8. Satisfaction with different roles

 I think that: 

  1. My spouse acts adequately as such

  2. My spouse acts adequately as a father/mother

  3. In our marriage there is a real friendship

  4. My spouse acts adequately as someone with whom I can share leisure activities

  5. He/she is a responsible and hard worker

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Original Text by Professor David Isaacs

Insituto de Ciencias de la Educacion, Universidad de Navarra 

Copyright reserved, 1986

 

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