Change Takes place in stages over time1 day-30 days-60-90-180-1 yearHabits are dispositions that take time to acquire, overcome or change. Change is a part of life and it takes place in increments of time. Understanding the increments of change helps to discern the frequency of the counseling sessions as well as means of providing hope and encouragement. Knowing that if prudential counsel is followed noticeable change can take place in particular intervals can be quite reassuring and helpful. It is particularly helpful where the will to change is followed by effort and failure. One can help others know that the right intention is a good thing, which is followed by effort and then perseverance. People get discouraged when someone says that they will change, makes some effort that brings change but then reverts to the old habit. It is critical to understand that the old habit is something that we do without thinking and often related to unconscious dynamics and impulses. Building a new habit takes thought, willful effort and follow through. In the beginning we look for the change in the frequency of the bad habit and the development of the good habit. It is important to ascertain frequency in the beginning when first hearing about a problem to assist the couple or persons to see the change. Thus, a couple may move from quarreling over everything every day to arguing only over certain things to arguing only once a day to one to three times a week to 1-3 times a month to 1-4 times a year. A Mutual allianceThe counseling dynamic which takes place during this process possesses several stages and the first is to stabilize the relationship to form a mutual alliance sufficient to begin to address the issues. This focuses on the communication problems and interpersonal dynamics. The objective is to form a stable alliance between the spouses, which will draw upon their common values to form principals and criteria for decision-making and judgments. This alliance is turned upon the issues, which challenge or threaten the relationship and personal integrity. When those issues include addiction, another set of dynamics and problems are generated which must be subdued and countered by the formulation of a remedial plan that provides the focal point of discipline and resolution. These stages play themselves out in time and thus there is the importance of what happens: today, this week, during the first thirty days, then ninety, 180 days and then one year. Anything of significance which involves compulsive or obsessive behavior (severe habituation) will generally carry the component of progress in stages. We can see increments related to recovery from alcoholism that can be useful in other situations, which require a change of habit. We can see the struggle to go abstain from the habit for one day. This is the greatest struggle and it is the focus of hope in AA’s advice, “Take one day at a time.” This counsel finds its depth in the counsel of Our Lord, “Do not be anxious about tomorrow for today has evil enough.” The battle is fought in the present day. The first change is to seek days without vice and with virtue. It is interesting to consider the correlation that couples and families need to find things to do each day to be attentive to each other. The next increment of a week is a critical time. It is an accomplishment to go seven days without performing the bad habit. In crisis situations the first goal is to go one day without the vice and the second is to go one week. This is a factor in determining the frequency of counsel. One would increase the intensity in the frequency of the sessions in proportion to the intensity of the crisis. We can consider this to see the logic of the AA meetings taking place every day in order to help that one day of sobriety. In couple’s counseling the restoration of civility focuses upon treating each other with respect for the week and the elimination of harmful treatment. Maintaining consistency for a thirty day period is the next major objective and a difficult one to achieve but well worth the patient struggle to get there. One turns a bit of a corner when they are able to go one month without repeating some negative habit. 90 daysThe mark of three months is probably the most challenging and brings the greatest consolation and hope. It is so difficult to maintain a good habit and avoid a bad habit for ninety days that many alcohol counselors will use this as a test period for the client. E.g. “If you do not have a problem, then go ninety days without this habit.” When one reaches this point hope builds because of the positive memories (at least in the lack of the negative habit) and some faith that change may continue as the struggle does on. 180 daysThe period of six months allows for significant changes to take place that will be quite different from the start of the process. The severity of habituation will also show itself at this time when individuals or couples are rigid in their disposition despite right reasoning. The danger is not the struggle itself, for the struggle is very much part of life until the end per se. However, if one reverts back to an old rationalization for justifying and maintaining harmful behavior or returns to some previous state of denial, the problem may indicate some proportion of mental illness. However, for most individuals and couples this period of time will mark significant progress for them 1 YearThe physical addiction of a substance is said to be at an end after one year, although the psychological addiction can continue for another two years. One year is a major objective is most counseling issues and particularly in marriage counseling. We can say that once a marriage reaches the point of serious consideration of the decision to divorce or separate reconciliation and healing of the wounds involved will take a minimum of 12-24 months of professional intervention (at weekly intervals). This is actually an optimistic estimate as many professionals might say the period would be 2-4 years. However, a sound and more directive approach with a couple with sound values and priorities to work with will generally respond well within the two-year period. The time is necessary because of the number of wounds and dynamics that may be in place. Not only does each person have habits to change, the couple also creates a number of interpersonal habits to confound their communication. The result is a mine filed of defense mechanisms that automatically kick in on cue and feed off the habituation that is in place. 2nd YearAfter the first year, the couple should be moving to establish a strong and healthy relationship. Since the first stage of a problem could be said to be the presence of an “emotional illness” the second would be the freedom from that difficulty being present. However, health is the presence of a third stage of well being. Thus once bad habits are stopped, the trust is restored and the couple can build a strong and vital relationship with the presence of positive and consoling memories. In sum, when one is dealing is a serious problem, one should understand that the process of recovery and the building of a healthy disposition takes time and a serious commitment to struggle to overcome the obstacles, to change and to build healthy habits conducive to well being. That takes time and occurs in stages. Keeping these stages in mind may help overcome discouragement and help one to persevere. |
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